Wasif's World

The University of North Dakota, it was ruled recently, has to give up its nickname of the Fighting Sioux and come up with one that’s not so, uh, confrontational – like the Genial Sioux, perhaps.

Evidently, there are two tribes, the Standing Rock Sioux and the Spirit Lake Sioux who have to approve of the nickname, as per NCAA regulations enacted in 2005. UND (is it really “und”?) is the last of the 19 schools with Indian mascots to come upon a resolution.

But what’s really wrong with the “fighting” Sioux? I mean, it’s not that bad of a stereotype. It’s not like we’re calling them the Miami Rafting Refugees, the Los Angeles Cheap Laborers, or the San Antonio Illegals.

There are fighting teams like the Irish and the Illini. They don’t have a problem with it. If anyone would have a problem with the derogatory stereotype of a name like “fighting,” it would be the Irish, don’t you think? It’s a pretty blatant stereotype. Though I suppose it’s better than the Drunkin’ Irish.

I can tell you, I know a thing or two about getting rid of your racist nicknames in favor of something more politically correct.

I went to Syracuse University. Its mascot was once a very valiant Saltine Warrior. Well, the Saltines complained and now we’re a piece of citrus.

SU changed it because the Saltine tribes in the surrounding areas found the name offensive. Then eventually, as retribution, along with a new name, they were given a cracker factory and the rest is lore steeped in salty goodness.

That’s quite a come down. Quite a come down, indeed; to go from the hypnotic, threatening rhythm of the tom tom to “Hey, don’t mess with us! We’re the mighty Orange! We’ll ... er, get citrus in your eye.”

At least Stanford has a tree! Ohio State – that is, THE Ohio State, excuse me (I don’t want you to be confused by those OTHER Ohio State Universities. What, are they worried about imposter universities popping up and getting all their booster money?) – has a nut! It’s still better than a piece of fruit, okay?

So that’s what you’re asking for, North Dakota. You’re looking at the University of North Dakota Farm-Grown Tomatoes. Or, in keeping with the farm theme, the UND Suckling Pigs. Hope you’re happy.

I suggest you just go the route of Miami and choose the predominant weather phenomenon. So that makes you the UND Snow. Not much you can do with it, but it’s certainly non-offensive.

You know, the odd thing is, it’s the Standing Rock Sioux who aren’t really fond of the nickname. The Spirit Lake Sioux like it. And why not? They show, well, spirit. They want a team who is out there battling and not just standing ... on a rock. Is that what you want, Standing Rock Sioux? The University of North Dakota Rock Standers? Would that make you happy?

There are other teams with Indian heritage such as the Florida State Seminoles and the Eastern West Virginia Casino Owners. That’s not a problem to them.

On the flip side, I admit that not offending anyone is tough. You never know what’s going to rile someone’s goat. (Or why they have a goat, for that matter. How often do they feed it? Do they need a permit for it?) And the fact is, very often, what one likes, another may hate. Like in the cases of Syracuse and North Dakota. Their fans differ from the fans of the Cleveland and the Atlanta baseball squads or the football squad from our nation’s capital.

Washington has no problem with the Redskins ... though bullets promote too much violence. How about wizards? Aren’t you afraid those complaining will cast a spell on you? (You’re playing with fire here, Washington!)

Fans of the University of Pennsylvania Quakers have no problem with their nickname, though if they did, they probably would protest peaceably. And USC and San Diego State (the Trojans and the Aztecs, respectively) needn’t worry because their mascots have long-since been killed off.

Some mascots are merely used to honor members of the community. Yale is a reward for most tax accountants to be represented. (What else would a guy named Eli do?) And Huskers, Sooners, Hoakies, guys named Jasper, Commodores, Mountaineers, and those from Iowa that are modeled after Alan Alda’s character in “M*A*S*H.”

Why complain when they’re showing how proud they are of you. I, for one, never understood the uproar over having a team named after you. I would be honored to support the Northern Vermont State Writing Wasifs. But that’s just me.

Let’s recap here: Naming a team is a difficult task. It must connote pride, history and toughness. It can be descriptive, vivid, animate or inanimate, but always lasting, for good or bad. You can choose a team, you get their mascot. Colors, natural disasters, animals, accountants and mythical creatures are suitable representations.

So, back to the issue at hand here – what kind of nickname does that leave for the formerly Fighting Sioux? Well, the state is 50th in tourism, I know that. My friends are quick to point out that Mount Rushmore is there. Nope, that’s South Dakota. Oh, and the Black Hills. Also, South Dakota. There’s that big biker fest up in -- Lemme stop you there. That’s in Sturgis ... which is in SOUTH Dakota.

OH! North Dakota has the fewest recorded earthquakes in the continental U.S. (Hm, you’d think tourists would want to visit there with the assurance they won’t be swallowed by the ground. And yet, Universal Studios Hollywood still attracts more visitors.) So it’s got that going for it.

There you go, so it’ll either be the University of North Dakota Not South Dakotans or the University of North Dakota Terra Firmas. You’ve got your choices, UND. Choose wisely.

The madness begins today and as madness is a psychological phenomena, I thought I’d bring you into my head and my process as I sift through the field to get my eventual champion. (Beware, for those of you on heart medication or a case of the wind, you may end up a touch crazier when this ride is over.)

MIDWEST BRACKET

Okay, let’s start with the Midwest bracket since it’s here in the upper left hand corner. Upper left? Shouldn’t that make this the “Northwest bracket?” I suppose placement on the page has nothing to do with geographical location of the games. The same with the region they’re placed in since Buffalo hosts a game in the Western region.

Okay, Kansas, Kansas, Kansas, Kansas. There, that was easy. Now, let’s fill in the other scrubs.

Northern Iowa? Why does anyone choose Northern Iowa? If you’re gonna go to a school in Iowa, just go to the "University of" or "State," right? I wonder if the government thought when deciding whether or not to construct UNI, “If we build it, people will come.”

Terps. Sounds like an insult. What are you, some kinda terp?! And for their abbreviation, I write “mary.” No one named Mary will do well in the tournament. Therefore, I’ll put New Mexico State to beat them ... although I don’t know the difference between New Mexico and New Mexico State. I just know neither of them will win many games.

And then I must select one of those Ohio State teams. What? There’s only one Ohio State team? So I can’t pick an Ohio State team, I must pick THE Ohio State team. So be it. Guess that makes it easier than wading through all of the non-Ohio State Ohio State teams. Thanks for clarifying.

WEST BRACKET

Moving on. I went to Syracuse as an undergrad. I bleed orange. (Seriously, it's a congential condition. I've been to specialists around the world and they can't help me.) Yet I didn’t select them to win it all during the magical run of 2003. Now I will not be so foolish. Final Four bound, baby! And, as luck would have it, they’re playing the “zags,” a team I always pick to go deep, but they always screw me. This time, I will be the screwer and not the screwee!

Butler. What’s his name, I wonder? Jeeves? Didit? I always found that funny. This is the Butler Didit. Get it? The Butler did it ... yeah, I don’t either. Well, the only thing this butler is doing is getting out of the first round. Vandy will beat them.

"I say, I say Vandy is a fine girl, what a good wife, you would be. But my life, my love and lady is the sea. Doo doo doo doodoo doo." Looking Glass. Did they ever have another hit? I don’t think so.

A-ha! Xavier. The Muskateers! Now that’s a mascot name. None of these offensive names like Seminoles or animals like blue hens or fruit like the orange or even a buckeye nut. A musketeer is a valiant swordsman who fights for the rights of the peasants and probably connects with more fine damsels than Tiger Woods.

I’ll put them up as far as Syracuse. Although Kansas State might be a challenge. I wonder what Mitch Richmond is up to now. Remember Run TMC? Tim Hardaway, Mitch and Chris Mullin? They played well for Don Nelson. How old is Don Nelson now? He was old then and he’s still coaching mediocre teams. It makes sense though. At his age, he’d rather have May and June off instead of coaching playoff teams.

EAST BRACKET

Kentucky is the No. 1 seed. It has two of the best players in the country, albeit freshmen. Can freshmen win? Ask Carmelo Anthony or Michigan’s Fab Five. But what’s the point of choosing a Calipari team when its wins will just be taken away a couple of years later anyway?

As a Jew – I’m sorry, “person of nebbishness” – I feel I owe it to my cultural roots to select Temple. Though I’m not sure they are very religious.

Wofford! Is this a real school?! You’re kidding me. Sounds like some guy with a few bucks decided to open a college. “Forget the one wing, I’m goin’ for the whole institution.”

Wofford! Actually, it’s kinda fun to say. Wofford! Wofford! Wofford! Wofford! Hm, what if this Wofford fella has so much money, he could literally buy the tournament? Vegas has the odds at one gajillion to one. That might be worth putting them in the finals in one bracket.

And Washington, Mizzou, West Virginia and New Mexico (didn’t I already pick them?) aren’t as fun to say as Wofford.

Wofford!

SOUTH BRACKET

There are many reasons people hate Duke. Number one: they’re Duke.

My friend that matriculated there (he had to clean it up afterward) has a theory that the longer a coach heads one team, the more he begins to look like the mascot. And if you look closely at Coach Mike Shesheffskee, you will find that theory may have some merit.

I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen Duke play a first-round game outside of North Carolina. I wonder how it's going to deal with this new phenomenon called traveling. Of course, as long as the Blue Devils are not called for traveling, they’ll probably go pretty far. Especially against the likes of Butler, Siena, Richmond and Old Dominion. How old is it, exactly? Was it New Dominion when it was founded? When did they change it? It’s like taking the subway uptown, but having to go through downtown. When does it switch from going downtown to going uptown?

I refuse to pick a Pitino team to win anything. He’s a bum and as long as his team doesn’t play Syracuse, it won’t win.

It seems so unfair that Robert Morris should have to take on the entire Villanova team by himself. But he must be pretty good since he’s not even a No. 16 seed.

SEMIFINALS

Kansas, Syracuse, Duke and Temple. Hm, one of those teams doesn’t seem to fit. I may have to rethink this.

FINALS

Syracuse and Duke. Of course, I’m a big believer in holding grudges and I figure that even though Kansas has won in the past decade, the Jayhawks may still be a little upset that Syracuse beat them in 2003. I can’t go against the “mater” though.

If they win, that makes me seem pretty smart if I pick them. If they win and I don’t pick them, I feel good, but like an idiot. And if they don’t win and I pick them, it kinda feels like I’ve been charged $100,000 to go there and gotten nothing in return. Though the jokes on them. I have no money to pay them. Hahahahahaha!

Wofford!

After rigorously defending the fact that the decade has one more year in it, I have nonetheless decided to abandon my cause and write my End of the Decade blog. (Expect another one next year.)

Though for the record, decades end in 10. Let’s review the facts: When the Julian and Gregorian calendars switched over to Anno Domini – or Adrian Dantley as is the English translation – they did so at Year One. There was no Year Zero. Hence, the first new year’s celebration was January 1, 0001. And ten years later less one day, the decade ended on December 31, 0010. So we’re jumping the gun a little bit.

Although on the surface, it seems an inconsequential argument, but look closer to witness its necessity in navigating the all-too-important matter of how many championships the New York Yankees have won this decade in comparison with the total for the Boston Red Sox. As things currently stand, the tally is Boston, 2 – Yankees, 1. (Argue this fact if you will, but as we know, the Julians and Gregorians were never wrong ... except for that whole overreaching of the Roman Empire thing ... and probably also for betting long on the Latin language instead of short selling it.)

Anyway, it’s still been nine years since the last time we looked back a ways, so it got me thinking that I should open up my time capsule (a “Welcome Back, Kotter” lunch box in the back of my closet) to look at what I said about the impending “oughts.” Here’s the letter I wrote and stashed away on December 31, 2000 (the end of the 90’s, according to the early Italians):

12/31/2000
Dear Self,

Hey, how’s it going? Are you over Becky Lantana yet? Boy, you really screwed that one up, didn’t you?

Okay, enough small talk. I really didn’t think we’d make it through the decade. I mean, how many times can one person watch the Yankees win the World Series without taking his own life in the most disgusting manner possible? It’s just not fair! Spread the wealth a little bit, huh? The Red Sox and Cubs and White Sox haven’t won in over 80 years. You would think that at least one of them could win, even if only by accident!

(Though I’m not sure, but some of those Yankees looked to be on some sort of chemical substance that helps athletes perform at a higher level unnaturally. Hmm, well, I’m sure I’m just being paranoid. The increase in offense can most likely be attributed to better training and keeping the baseballs in a humidor.)

Seriously, I can’t take it anymore! For the sake of my health and my sanity, I am hereby renouncing my allegiance to the Red Sox. I know that I do that every year, but this time, I mean it! What more do I have to give? How can one fan be so unlucky?

[Disclaimer: In the event of an ownership change and comeback from 3-0 playoff series deficit, all claims, decrees, and statements regarding allegiances are to be rendered null and void.]

Look at my track record: I follow the Red Sox – 82 years without a title. Oh, but hey, they always make sure to get our hopes up before dashing them, so that's nice.

Then there’s the Patriots – oh, that’s a real treat. They make the Super Bowl only as a punching bag for the eventual winners. And they hired a guy who resigned as head coach of the New York Jets at his introduction press conference! Oh, yeah, that instills confidence. I give him two years, tops! And didn’t this guy fail in Cleveland?

I will admit, I don’t know what the Celtics are doing these days since I won’t watch current games, but choose to pop in old videotapes of the "Big Three" from the 80’s into my VCR instead. I wish there were some channel on television that showed classic sports events from the past just to protect me from having to witness such a monumental fall from greatness.

Oh, and lest I forget, the one chance I had to pick a team on my own, one that would be mine through thick and thin – I was born in Boston so I was forced into that family – I had to go out and accept Syracuse University’s offer to attend college there. And what happened the night I sent them my enrollment letter? They become the first No. 2 seed to lose to a No. 15 seed in the NCAA tournament. If that’s not a bad sign, I don’t know what is.

It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering going to grad school just to have another team to root for. Maybe I’ll go to Notre Dame. They’re a lock to be great every year!

Aside from my own miserable fortune, there are some things around the sports landscape that have caught my eye. For instance, I’ve been very impressed with Tiger Woods. I mean, this guy is perfect at everything. Does he have any flaw at all? If he does, I’m sure we’ll never see it ... on the golf course, at least.

On the tennis courts, I enjoyed watching Agassi play his guts out in the last few tournaments, especially during his Australian Open win over Yegev -- Yevgev -- Yagenvy – uh, over Kafelnikov. Andre was amazing! He played like a meth addict out there.

And I think now that the Rams have won in St. Louis, it would be hilarious if the Baltimore Ravens would win the Super Bowl. (Take that Los Angeles and Cleveland!) But they’ve got Trent Dilfer at quarterback and we all know from last year that offense ... wins ... championships!

Not that I’m big into the whole college football scene, but I gotta say that this BCS system really seems to be taking hold. I think the powers that be finally got things right. I love the fact that virtually any team with a reasonably decent record can claim a share of the national title.

All right, that’s all I got. Enjoy New Year’s Eve in this hopeless town with hopeless teams. Just remember, tomorrow is another year and with it, more hope for a positive outcome. You know what they say, “You can’t spell hopeless, without hope.” (Or is it “Hope is halfway to hopeless?”)

Oh, and give it a couple of months. Maybe Becky will forget what you did.

Yours truly,

You