Wasif's World

My, oh, my! Didn't 2010 go faster than an Olympic luge course in Vancouver? I mean, it’s as if 2010 was “The Tonight Show” and we were Conan O’Brien. First off, I want to thank all of you who, upon my request to text me your most genteel holiday wishes, complied ... except for “Brett in Minnesota,” from whom I have revoked all future cell phone privileges for apparently misreading the word “genteel.”

Okay, before we get started, let’s get something straight right now –- I’m very confused about calling these the “2011 NFL Playoffs.” The season all took place during 2010, so wouldn’t they be the 2010 playoffs? Though the Saints won it all in 2010 (for the 2009 season) so that would make it confusing if you called these the 2010 playoffs and the Saints didn’t win.

At least in basketball and hockey, you’ll say the ’08-’09 season. That eliminates all confusion, but takes a while to say.

That said, you’ve read the “experts” and their predictions. They give you their best guesses as to what will happen during these forthcoming NFL playoffs, but none of them expand upon what could happen. So allow me to do that for you now:

WILD CARD ROUND:

New York Jets @ Indianapolis Colts

What Could Happen
Rex Ryan instructs his team to set up “the wall” against the other team’s gunner on kickoffs, but once his coaches put their feet out there, Ryan begins to fantasize about what they look like inside their shoes; wondering if there’s toe knuckle hair or how calloused they are or ... sorry, I got carried away. He loses focus on the game and without his guidance, Mark Sanchez gets called for a record 19 delay-of-game penalties in a row taking a first-and-goal situation from the Colts’ 1-yard line to a first-and-goal from their own 4-yard line. Sanchez finally gets the play from the sidelines, which is a pass, drops back, and is sandwiched by Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis for a safety, the eventual margin of victory for the Colts.

What Will Happen
The only feet Ryan will be worried about is Peyton Manning who manages to stay on his all game long, leading his team to victory.

Baltimore @ Kansas City

What Could Happen
Ray Lewis gets so fired up before the game against Kansas City that his head explodes and the game is delayed 20 minutes while the grounds crew cleans it up.

What Will Happen
Ray Lewis and the Ravens defense manages to stifle the Kansas City offense. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ball, Joe Flacco has trouble getting things started thanks to the rabid Arrowhead fans. Special teams play powers Kansas City to a narrow upset. The Ravens are not so surprised when they are told after the game that the Chiefs are made up of many ex-Patriots. "Great, now I hate Kansas City too," mutters Terrell Suggs.

New Orleans @ Seattle

What Could Happen
The "12th Man," the Qwest Field advantage works for the Seahawks. It is so loud there that Drew Brees can’t function. He throws an uncharacteristic three picks and Seattle decisively upsets the defending Super Bowl champs.

What Will Happen
The "12th Man," the Qwest Field advantage works for the Seahawks. It is so loud that Drew Brees can only lead his offense to score 40 points against Seattle. Pete Carroll is so excited by this display of efficiency, he hugs Brees after the game.

Green Bay @ Philadelphia

What Could Happen
The game in Philadelphia will be postponed three days because of the threat of a snow flurry. In the interim, Aaron Rogers bumps his head on the night table next to his bed during a fitful dream about Brett Favre returning to Green Bay next year, thus sustaining a concussion.

Michael Vick, meanwhile, goes shopping for a dog at the local shelter. Attempting to pet a cute pekingese, it bites him because it knows of his reputation. Vick is hospitalized with rabies. Kevin Kolb and Matt Flynn lead their respective teams to an uninteresting Green Bay upset in front of only 2,500 fans because everyone was confused about when the game was actually going to be played, including Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell, who's justifiably pissed.

What Will Happen
Michael Vick, back in the playoffs for the first time since 2005, will do what he did with Atlanta and surprise the Green Bay Packers, a team expected by many to be playing in February. The Eagles win a close, low-scoring affair.

Result: New Orleans, Kansas City, Philadelphia, Indianapolis advance.

DIVISIONAL ROUND:

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

What Could Happen
Roethlisberger has déjà vu as he hands the ball off to his running back near the goal line and Mendenhall fumbles. It’s recovered by a Colts cornerback who rumbles down the field only to be tackled at midfield by Big Ben himself.

What Will Happen
The injuries to Manning’s Colts finally catch up with them and he is unable to pull this one out after James Harrison knocks four more Colts out of the game, including an equipment manager on the sideline, earning him $400,000 worth of fines.

Kansas City @ New England

What Could Happen
New England meets New England-West as the Chiefs come to town. Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel get confused and spend the first half of the game on the Patriots sideline calling plays for Belichick who, being a genius, decides not to correct them. Matt Cassell just hands the ball off on every play during that half, and the Chiefs still gain a respectable 80 yards on the ground heading into the locker room, though the Patriots hold a 35-0 edge in points.

What Will Happen
Belichick usually doesn’t do very well against his former apprentices and this Chiefs squad is full of them. They know everything about “the Hoodie” right down to the flavored fiber supplement he takes in his apple juice the morning of the game. It’s a dog fight, but one that is eked out by the Patriots because the Chiefs find themselves in awe of Brady's flowing locks instead of worrying about Alge Crumpler's mowing blocks.

New Orleans @ Atlanta

What Could Happen
A New Orleans and Atlanta rematch proves to be everything it’s cracked up to be. Tempers flare as it did in the last game and Atlanta wins on the final drive as "Matty Ice" throws to Tony Gonzalez in the back of the end zone.

What Will Happen Hm, that’s pretty much what will happen.

Philadelphia @ Chicago

What Could Happen
Philly finds a defense that is slobbering for some fresh meat. Michael Vick provides them that opportunity. On the first play from scrimmage, Vick scrambles to avoid Julius Peppers and finds himself in the arms of Lance Briggs who holds him up long enough for Peppers to arrive. The two of them each pull an arm off Vick before Brian Urlacher, behind a full head of steam, bulldozes the quarterback, earning a 15-yard helmet to helmet penalty as he knocks Vick’s helmet off . . . with his head still inside. Appreciative Bears fans applaud when Vick walks off under his own power.

What Will Happen
This is a tough game to pick. Jay Cutler is a wild card. Both teams are used to the cold. Devin Hester and DeSean Jackson are both very dangerous. But in the end, defense will prove the word of the day and that means Chicago will triumph.

Result: New England, Pittsburgh, Chicago, and Atlanta advance. CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND

Pittsburgh @ New England

What Could Happen
Hines Ward is upset that he was knocked out of the last game against New England. James Harrison is upset that he didn’t knock anyone out on New England. Troy Polamalu is upset that his equipment manager left his Head & Shoulders back at Heinz Field and he’s forced to use a generic CVS brand shampoo. Charlie Batch is upset that he’s not starting this game as he feels he’s made a compelling argument by beating Tampa Bay in Week 3. Fueled by emotion, the Steelers return to yet another Super Bowl. What Will Happen
The Steelers rack up 150 yards running, but manage to give up 200, including a Tom Brady run for 22 yards on a third-and-twenty. Shayne Graham kicks the deciding field goal and the Patriots return to the Super Bowl on the heels of a three-point nail biter.

Chicago @ Atlanta

What Could Happen
Julius Peppers knocks Matt Ryan out of the game on a legal hit that he is flagged for. His backup, Chris Redman, manages impressively but Ryan, though unable to lift his throwing shoulder, defiantly and heroically returns to the game. Even knowing that all he can do is hand off, the Bears are somehow unable to stop Michael Turner who scores the final touchdown with under two minutes remaining and Jay Cutler throws his third interception of the game to seal the Bears’ fate.

What Will Happen
In a boring, low-scoring affair, Ryan’s two interceptions make him and his team just that much better than Cutler’s three interceptions and the Falcons earn a “dirty bird” dance back to the Super Bowl.

Result: New England and Atlanta advance. SUPER BOWL XLV

Atlanta and New England

What Could Happen
The Super Bowl is postponed two weeks as the league and the NFLPA finally come to an agreement about expanding the season to 18 games. They decide it should start immediately and every team is ordered to play two more games. After those games are over, the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons will meet for Super Bowl XLV.

Parity in the NFL leads to the two No. 1 seeds facing off against each other, defying the norm. Atlanta starts off with an onside kick, that is recovered by a Falcon and it goes from there. The Falcons frequently drop 11 men into coverage and cause Brady to throw four picks. Miraculously, the game comes down to the final play with the Falcons up by two and the Patriots needing another miracle from their kicker. It’s Shayne Graham who is iced three times by the Falcons who have not yet used any of their time outs for just such an occasion.

Graham is ready, but the snap is muffed and Graham picks it up. He scrambles and manages to loft the ball up toward Deion Branch who alertly goes out for the pass. Branch catches it, but is stopped at the half-yard line surpassing the Titans-Rams Super Bowl as the closest finish ever.

What Will Happen
Ah, who are we kidding? This is the easiest game the Patriots face during the playoffs, if not all season and it’s a 45-3 snoozefest. Outraged by his team’s performance after the game, Arthur Blanks opens up the checkbook and signs free agent quarterback Michael Vick.

There you have it. The ifs, ands, buts, or whats of the 2011 (though an addendum to 2010) playoffs. Take this one to the bank! (While there, you might want to open a CD account. Rates are pretty good right now.)

I want to start a rumor. I mean a juicy, prime rumor; something with legs.

Now it’s got to be sensational but believable. It can’t be that LeBron James is an alien. That theoreticallycould be believable if you consider how young he still is and how mature his body is. But his growth is still within the realm of reason considering the extremes that genetics can reach for some people. (Plus, you probably don’t want to align yourself with the weirdos that believe aliens exist and are planning to take over the world through professional sports anyway. They’re the same people that keep backing the Twins to win the World Series.)

It can’t be too obvious like baseball players are still using performance-enhancing drugs.

Or it can’t be too subtle like David Ortiz is actually 40 years old. Most people believe that to be fact so it won’t fly as a rumor.

It can’t be redundant like Terrell Owens has been killing dogs for years. Michael Vick already brought us down that road. First off, people are bored with it. You won’t receive the same reaction Vick got. Secondly, there’s precedent so it won’t be as alarming. And finally, Vick was a rising star, Owens is a plummeting one.

And it can’t be superfluous like Steve Phillips had affairs with a dozen interns. What’s one to a dozen? It’s the first one that’s shocking. Any additional affairs are just piling it on like the Patriots to the NFL bottom-feeders. Plus, Phillips’ infidelity count is already rising as he’s admitted that a second one occurred eleven years ago, so the damage is done.

Although, a good marital hanky-panky rumor can go a long way, (the writer thought to himself as he rubbed his hands together menacingly). And while I’m on the subject, what is it with good-looking, successful men having affairs with less-than-attractive interns? I mean, Phillips used to get paid a lot of money to evaluate talent, correct? Now I’m not saying Brooke Hundley is homely, but ... no, wait. I am saying that; in no uncertain terms. And she’s a Yankees fan. (I had to throw that one in there.)

But, I digress. So what kind of rumor could I start? How about one on how I was lucky enough to be given the opportunity to write for this site? It’s personal, it’s topical and some of you wonder that every time you read me. Am I related to the boss? Did I sleep with him? Am I the boss? There are so many ways I could go with that one. Though I’ve already lost you.

The key to a juicy rumor has it involving someone who you admire so much, who you put so much faith into, almost partaking in idolatry, that you are never more excited when you see this person fail at the hands of his own hubris. “Damn, I used to worship him. How could anyone be so full of themselves?” you wonder aloud without review of your first sentence to find the answer.

Conspiracies are the best. If you can combine a rumor and a conspiracy – woo doggie! – that’s like hitting the five-team parlay! The Patriots only won the Super Bowl in 2002 because, in light of September 11th, the league wanted them to. It was patriotic. (Of course, the New York Yankees lost the World Series a month after the tragedy to the hands of the – wait, lemme check my notes here – the Arizona ... Diamonds? ... Oh, Diamondbacks! Who even knew they had a team there. Well, either way, they must be pretty darned patriotic there in Arizona to be awarded a world championship like that.) So that disproves the validity of that thought.

Or that the Lakers only won the NBA championship in 2009 because all prime contending teams outside of Cleveland suffered devastating injuries to their stars. Okay, so that’s not a rumor as much as it is spiteful commentary.

Back to the rumor mill. I’m sorry to harp on this so much, but I can’t say enough how much I love rumors. From those as the trade deadline approaches, to those on “TMZ,” a rumor, no matter how crazy, can add a little spice to your day. A rumor is like a tell-all book, except that those are usually true and once they’re verified, they become uninteresting.

“What’s that? Magic Johnson doesn’t like Isiah Thomas after all? But what about all the pre-game kissing? I could’ve sworn they were lovers.”

Once a rumor is proven unsubstantiated, it loses steam. The news that Tom Cable didn’t assault his former assistant smashed any hope the Raiders had this year of becoming newsworthy short of Al Davis walking on the field mid-game and dropping his pants to the camera.

Well, I’m stumped. Here’s hoping the world of sports provides something juicy for us this week.

Schism
noun [skiz-uh m]
division of disunion, especially into mutually opposed parties

It's a brand new world out there in the field of sports. Sports management majors will now have to add "schism-nomics" to their core curriculum. "Schism" will be the next moderately popular rap song by the next linebacker who moonlights as a rapper during the offseason. Esteban Ochocinco is already in talks to market a cologne based on his sweat named "Schism."

It all started when the Minnesota Vikings decided to turn what may have been their version of the "Wildcat" offense into a "Cougar" offense by signing an over-the-hill Brett Favre. (We'll save the "He's still got it" debate until after he throws 30 passes in a game without his arm falling off.)

So half the team wanted Sage Rosenfels to land the job as starting quarterback and the other half wanted it to be Tavaris Jackson. And that means everyone will be disappointed because it will be Brett Favre until he gets injured.

That's a schism.

Okay, I got that. But what else constitutes a schism?

A.J. Burnett, pitcher para Los Yanquis de Nueva York (I am contractually obligated to include our DeportesFanLive readers in this post), and his catcher, George Posada (I am also required to include our usual readers), have had words because Burnett doesn't like the pitches that Posada is calling for. Is that a tiff? A quarrel? A row? A falling-out? At what point does it escalate into a schism?

And Louisville basketball coach and dirt bag Rick Pitino? Is he at schism-level with Karen Sypher? He's probably beyond that with her, but what about with the University of Louisville? They've made their point abundantly clear -- win games and we don't care what you do. However, I think other schools who have canceled his speaking engagements are involved in a schism with him.

What of Michael Vick? He had entered Schismcom 5 with PETA, but has since been downgraded to orange on the Schism-alert system. Though there's always the possibility of a surge in schismatics. The NAACP was there to support him last night in Philadelpha in the event of protesters. That could cause a schism since it seems to be making a race issue out of it. Had protesters had a problem with Michael Vick's being black, then the NAACP would have had the responsibility to step in. But they just hated him because he killed dogs. Perhaps the NAADK's (National Association of American Dog Killers) would've been a better group to counter animal rights activists.

Anyway, President Obama already forced that schism by taking on Cambridge Police Officer Whitey in order to protect his friend Professor Blackguy. Though nothing came out of the Vick return, so there's probably no schism there.

Nick Green, the backup shortstop for the Boston Red Sox, pitched two innings of relief last night against the Chicago White Sox. Was that a schism?

Rachel Nichols reported for ESPN that Plaxico Burress would be starting his jail term soon. Then she kicked her report back to the studio. How about that being a schism?

Average guy Joe Phillies Fan told his friend Bob Phillies Fan that he couldn't watch the game with him last night as he had to take his daughter to ballet class. Schism?

I hope this has helped you understand just what a schism is and how it plays into the daily world of sports. Have a schismtastic weekend, everyone!

In the coming week, Michael Vick will have his answer from Commissioner Roger Goodell regarding his potential suspension. Reports have Vick receiving as little as a two-game suspension to as much as a six-gamer. Any of these may mean the upstart UFL may have their first superstar as Vick could certainly head over there and start playing. (Gotta love America. If you can't get a million dollars in one place, there's always another willing to offer it to you.)

It was said that Goodell was going to back off his typical hard-as-nails stance and give Michael a conditional reinstatement instead of the stiffer penalty. But, after convening his staff along with the legal team, he realized that the conditions they came up with were a little silly. Here's the list that leaked from the league:

Has to wear "PETA Hate Me" on the back of his jersey.
Has to share a house with Ochocinco for the rest of the summer.
Must appear on "American Idol" to be critiqued by Simon Cowell.
Must cede the title of "the responsible Vick" to his brother Marcus.
Will not be allowed to "find Jesus" as part of his reinvention.
Forfeit his right to do endorsements, but must appear in those public service announcements for STDs.
Must play on the Lions.
Must play with his shoelaces tied together this season.
Must participate in the United Way's "Take a Player to the Chess Club" inner-city schools promotions.
Cannot, under any circumstances, do any lame tributes to Michael Jackson.

As that's the best they could come up with, it seems best to just suspend Vick for the beginning of the season ... and make him play for the Lions.

Michael Vick got his release from prison today 23 months after he was first indicted on charges of doing bad things to dogs. (Has it been that long already?)

And of course Dante Stallworth is a free man again after serving his time. About 23 DAYS -- considerably less time than Vick. (I was wondering what my sentence would be if I was driving drunk and ran over a dog who was jaywalking. Hmm. If anyone is familiar with the law, let me know that one.)

And of course you have Adam "Pacman" Jones. (Could we just change his nickname to "Frogger?" That man's been crushed so many times, it isn't news anymore. I mean, it's his own damn fault for trying to cross the highway to get to the river at a time when there's a log avalanche happening.)

If you saw the recent story ESPN did on Jonesy, you'll know that he was at a strip club literally throwing money away. He had $40,000 turned into ones. INTO ONES! How many is that? And why do they keep that many ones on hand?!

But there's a troubled individual that is threatening to change the culture of the sport like even these bad seeds could never do. His name is Myron Rolle and he was a safety for Florida State University. (I know what you're saying, "Uh oh, Florida State, here we go." But it's much worse than you can imagine.)

This Myron Rolle -- even as I write his name, a little bile comes up into my mouth -- this Myron Rolle has put the NFL on hold to go to Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar to study medical anthropology. WHAT?!

He's going to Oxford? How many Super Bowls have they won? And who's this Rhodes guy? Was he a defensive back that went to Oxford?

What kind of a signal is this sending to all those NFLers who want to buck the system and ride their God-given talents in a manner that shows the world how entitled they are?

This Rolle fella leaves the football field and the weight room and heads to the hospital where he shadows orthopedic surgeons around as they do rounds. Or he goes back to his place to study.

When's the time for shooting firearms at unsuspecting vagrants? When does he find a free moment to drive dangerously fast through residential areas?

What message does this send to those aspiring to get to the NFL just to sign one lucrative guaranteed deal and take the rest of their lives off to get into mischief?

I hope Roger Goodell takes a long, hard look at this. Rolle's actions bring credence to the thought that the NFL stands for "No Fun League." It can't be good to have these Rhodes Scholar-types infiltrating NFL locker rooms ... without firearms!

Well, he'll have one year to come up with something, for Myron Rolle is going to get his Master's in England and expects to be drafted in the first or second round in 2010. One team is going to have a huge problem on its hands next year with this guy influencing the rest of the team to go to church or something like that instead of to the gentleman's club.

The times, they are a-changin'.